Future Talent Candidate: 45606

As the agonisingly familiar sound of the default iPhone melody bangs the morning drum, I drowsily reach for the alarm to spare myself a further ten minutes; it’s 10:30am….

Today is the most important day of my life! Although, I was told that when I had to gain a basic comprehension of downloaded GCSE revision notes, and then again when perusing over a heavily doodled copy of Death of a Salesman during my A-Levels. I was young then, but now I am mature; I have really grown up.

Twelve hours of compulsory classes over three years, with at least six major assignments to complete over a semester – so obviously I’m good enough to take on a highly strategic role, lead a team, and make key business decisions – especially in sector completely unfamiliar and unrelated to my chosen degree.

Google: “Highest paid graduate scheme”

Arrogantly ignoring anything offering less than £30k and swerving all ads for recruitment firms boasting 70k OTE, I draw closer to the inevitable J.P Morgan, Ernst & Young and PwC career sites – highly over subscribed and infamously competitive; perfect.

Ignoring all details about the scheme and testimonials, I scroll down to see the requirements.

2:1 in any discipline, except general studies

I still haven’t submitted my dissertation, but I’ll probably get a 2:1, apparently no one gets a 2:2 unless you’re really stupid. Also, I’m the cleverest non-Asian in my predominantly Asian class, so think I’ll be fine. What even is General Studies? Sounds like something you’re awarded merit or distinction in. I don’t even need to know because those people won’t be working at J.P Morgan with me.

Apply

Faced with endless general information as I move along the completion stages, I immediately regret not starting this tomorrow.

Education

Easy, GCSEs and A-Levels were a doddle, also they definitely weren’t the most important days in my life - I know that now because I have matured. A sense of pride sets in as I list my chosen subjects along with my grades, I put my C in French at the bottom so hopefully they won’t see, but that doesn’t take away from being at an “intermediate” level of speaking proficiency – unlikely they are going to ask me to speak French anyway.

Competency Questions x4

250 words maximum per question! That sort of essay would take me at least two weeks to think about and three hours before the deadline to produce.

“Can you name a time where you have worked as part of team deliver a task?”

My most valued quality is my ability to not to be part of a team, but to dictate the team. I am no team player, I can always find the “I” in team. I am entering a notoriously competitive application process, with a potential job opportunity that will require me to work endless hours, run friendships and relationship into the ground and submit myself to the demands of the corporate machine, all the while distilling a delusion of grandeur to assist me trampling my way up the ladder – no teamwork needed here. Why am I your perfect candidate? I cheated on my A-level exam, I never even read Death of a Salesman, I drew doodles on Arthur Miller’s face in class, but don’t worry I swapped my copy with the clever kid who had endless notes (he now is on 70k OTE lol).

Last month I wrote my assignment in three hours; only 35% was plagiarised. I narrowly missed the deadline even through I had a two-week extension for a relationship break-up I faked, but my tutor gave me the benefit of doubt. I achieved the best score out of all the non-Asians.

“Why do you think you will be a good fit?”

See above please

“Can you name a time that you have thought outside the box to achieve a task?”

See above please

“Any other comments that relevant to your application”

No, see above please

Diversity & Equality

Is this section really necessary? I will assume that this will never be checked, but my understanding is that there is quota that needs to be met for each annual intake.

Ethnicity: Black –African

Sexuality: Transsexual

Disability: Prefer not to say

Did you receive free school dinners: No (is this even a thing)

Privately educated: Prefer not to say

Submit Application

My laptop closes and my arms outstretch as the biggest day of my life comes to a close after half an hour of laborious application writing. I text my parents to let them know I have sent an application, they brace themselves confidently, desperate for the good news that their well earned money has been well spent on educating- I mean “prefer not to say” – their little baby boy for years of long working hours, fierce competition, gruelling misery, love deprived and forever alone.

I flick my laptop back open

Rightmove.com

To Rent

Clapham – This area only